What is a Real Lesbian?

I’ll be talking with a friend, maybe I haven’t seen her in a while, and the subject of dating will come up. As in, who are you currently dating?[1] And it will come to light that my friend, who perhaps has mostly dated women and formerly identified herself to others as a lesbian (and maybe currently, because hey, you do what you want), is dating a man.

She’ll say this in a hushed tone or with downcast eyes, as if making some sort of shameful admission. Like she’s waiting for some sort of accusation or disappointment, possibly about ‘leaving the tribe’ or ‘losing one to the other side.’

I know why this happens.

It happens because of all the bi-phobia we went through in college (and still happens today I’m sure) and all the very real hurt from women who are or were left by women for men (because getting left sucks), and of course, all those poor dykes who never really got over the ending of Chasing Amy.

So I just want to say, to all my lesbian, former lesbian, straight, queer bi, poly, pansexual, trans ex-girlfriend friends (and everyone else):

Be happy with whoever tickles your fancy and don’t you dare fucking apologize for it. Love is hard enough to find without worrying about the shape of the person you find it with.

If anybody gives you a hard time, send them to me, and I’ll straighten them out.[2]

  1. We know who I’m currently dating, natch. 🙂  ↩
  2. See what I did there? 🙂 


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